Caring for the Soul of Your Spouse

Have you ever been the last to leave an event? The setting was another Sunday morning. Naomi looked at me and asked, “Do we have to?” After having finished a 60 plus hour work week with our students and hospital visits for the infirmed, it was now time for the Sunday push – early to the office, teaching Sunday school, ministering in the main service and then the “the line.”

Yep, you heard me right, “the line.”

Each pastor and his wife were expected to stand at one of the doors leaving the sanctuary while those in attendance slowly made their way out of the sanctuary. Shaking hands, giving hugs, and saying goodbye was the emphasis. Now, my wife and I are relational people, but saying goodbye to nearly a thousand people after an already demanding week of ministry and emotional output was not my brightest move.

We had a heart to serve, but we had served to the point of exhaustion and were now running on fumes.

I know I felt it for myself. I felt fatigued, would dig deep to power up, and kept moving forward, but what about my wife? What in the world was I thinking? I was young, spiritually immature, facing high expectations and not fully aware of the impact my decisions were having on her. In my immaturity and desire to follow orders, I was not caring for her soul well. Protecting her from the demands of my position was, to my shame, the farthest thing from my mind.

Over the years, I have learned to do a better job of protecting my wife, our marriage, and more specifically her soul. This concept is significant for all marriages, but even more so for those serving in public ministry settings.

Reflecting upon 30 years of ministry and marriage, the following are principles which have allowed me to care for my wife’s soul and see our marriage as integrated spiritual formation for us both.

Create boundaries.

Life is about balance. If one area of our life is extremely out of balance it will often place another portion of our life extremely out of balance. Focusing on serving others and the mission of God is a great thing and is something God invites all of us into. Yet serving in extremes without boundaries can often leave a leader to abandon his or her marriage, families, and friends. Boundaries help provide clear expectations and help prevent yourself and others from over functioning while placing the burden of changing others on us rather than God.

Be present at home.

Do your best to avoid bringing work and ministry home. Too often demanding ministry positions keep us processing long after the official workday is over. Not being present for your spouse communicates that the ministry is more important than your relationship with them. Also, caring for the soul of your spouse takes energy, time, and creativity. You can’t just show up haphazardly and expect to pull off something amazingly special for them. Set a time to leave the ministry each day, realizing that you are human and only have so much to give. This action demonstrates trust among your colleagues and your spouse.

Plan your calendar.

Your calendar can be one of your greatest formational tools. I had a friend who would consistently plan retreats and ministry outings around the date of his wedding anniversary each year. Nothing depletes the soul of your spouse more than when you fail to plan well. Planning ministry events around or overlapping significant dates communicates one of two things to your spouse. One, you simply didn’t take the time to care, or two, the ministry is more important. Place special dates in your calendar first before making your ministry calendar preparation for the year. This also gives you the ability to say no when requests are made for your time around those dates.

Be romantic.

Date your spouse consistently and be a hopeless romantic. Often your spouse was part of your life before your current position in ministry and for most will be there long after your current position or assignment comes to an end. Make consistent date nights which get placed on your calendar while at the same time protecting those outings from additional ministry demands.

That day in the foyer of the church, we were the last ones to leave. Exhausted, drained, little to nothing left, and certainly nothing left for each other.

Nearly 30 years later, both Naomi and I tend to each other’s souls better. About six months ago I was asked to be a delegate for the Lausanne Congress in Seoul. A humbling invite and certainly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Yet, it fell over a significant date, Noami’s birthday! Not long after receiving the invite, I called a key leader with Lausanne and simply shared the conflict I had in my schedule. I told them I would only be able to stay for two thirds of the Congress, however, would need to leave early to celebrate and be present for this significant milestone for my wife. I also shared that if this was not possible, I would simply not attend Lausanne. After sharing, the leader simply said, we’d still love to have you for whatever time you can be present.

I had an amazing, life-changing time at Lausanne and even a more special time celebrating a life milestone with my beautiful wife.